Zachary Quinto | Life and Other Catastrophes

I always love a good TV series. There is nothing better than binge watching a great show with awesome characters and storylines. The only problem is that I don’t have a TV in my flat in Pretoria. I also don’t have unlimited internet access, so I can’t afford to stream the episodes without obliterating my already unstable budget. This means that I have to wait for the seasons to finish broadcasting in America and come out on DVD so that I can rent them from the local DVD shop.

A few weeks ago I made one of my frequent visits to the DVD shop. It has actually become a little embarrassing. The one cashier even knows my number off by heart. But I don’t have friends, so DVD’s, books, and cats are the only company I have. After searching through all the mostly crappy titles, I finally saw what I have been waiting for the past year: American Horror Story: Coven

I am a huge fan of American Horror Story. Up to now, the Asylum season has been my favorite, because I can actually picture myself ending up in one. I don’t know how I’m going to last until the Freak Show comes out on DVD, because I have always had an obsession with the circus.

Anyway, as I lay there relishing the witches and wishing that I could be as talented as Jessica Lange and Kathy Bates, I suddenly had a brilliant idea: WE NEED TO HAVE A SOUTH AFRICAN VERSION OF THIS SHOW!

I already know that I am going to end up on the South African version of Hoarders, but now I can be on two shows. I immediately posted the idea on Twitter and Facebook. My friend, Karen, agreed with me, but when I said that the first season should be called South African Horror Story: Boeremusiek, she went all hater on me and said that it sounded sad. Whatever, Karen. People say that about my life too, and that doesn’t stop me.

My friend Karen. No, she is not normal.

Someone who did like my Boeremusiek idea was Weslee Lauder, a very talented, very popular South African performer. I haven’t ever met him or seen him perform, but he follows me on Twitter, which mean that his priorities are in order.

“Hey girl! Wanna go kill some people?” Weslee Lauder

Someone else who follows me on Twitter recently said that he would sleep with someone just to play a character that gets killed in AHS. His name is Rikus, and he has a video blog called Hey Rikus on YouTube. Judging from what he does there, I’m pretty sure that he’ll pull some acting off. Plus, he’s cute and funny. And no, I haven’t met him.

Rikus. Isn’t he a cutie pie? I miiight have stalked him on Facebook to get this picture.

I haven’t met most of the people I converse with on the internet because I am socially awkward and painfully shy. But, I am a trained actor, so, Ryan Murphy, here is my proposal:

South Africa is a country that hasn’t really explored the horror genre very much, but it really should, because we have some scary shit here. So, pack your troupe of talented actors in a plane and come here! I already have some characters in mind. Zachary Quinto can play my lover and we can go on a murderous rampage through the towns of the Free State. Like a gay version of Bonnie and Clyde. Rikus can be a rent boy that we trap, torture, and eventually kill (you said you wanted to die). Weslee Lauder can be a hard-as-nails cop who follows us on our trail of mass destruction. And he’ll travel on a unicorn, because he’s badass like that. Karen can play a demonic school girl. Jessica Lange can be a sadistic principal (I’m hoping that after hearing about my idea she’ll stay on the show) and Kathy Bates, Frances Conroy and Kathy Bates can play quirky teachers who sell koeksusters. Angela Bassett can play a sangoma who curses everyone. And Pepper can appear in this season too. Simply because everyone loves her. Honestly, I don’t know how all this ties together, but I’m sure that you’ll find a way. As long as I get to kiss Zachary Quinto. A lot.

As an actor I am willing to do almost anything except nudity. But Evan Peters seems to be the go to guy for that. We also have a long list of very beautiful men here in South Africa who can run around naked. Because seemingly it isn’t a Ryan Murphy show before someone gets naked.

Alternatively, you could just go with the cheaper option and fly me to America to be a part of the show.

But just in case you do indeed decide to do a South African version of the show, here are some suggestions (besides Boeremusiek, of course):
South African Horror Story: Parliament
South African Horror Story: Steve Hofmeyr
South African Horror Story: Noot Vir Noot
South African Horror Story: Driver’s License
South African Horror Story: School System
South African Horror Story: Die Antwoord
South African Horror Story: Apartheid
South African Horror Story: Nkandla
South African Horror Story: Skouspel
South African Horror Story: Penis Candles
South African Horror Story: Theatre Etiquette