The Places We’ve Been

It was a strange day.

I needed to go to a courier to send something away. I remembered one quite close to where I live, so when I finally managed to drag myself out of bed, I got into my car and drove there.

To avoid paying for parking, I park at the shopping centre across the street. I got out of my car and crossed the bridge to Lynnwood Bridge Mall.

And then it hit me.

I walked past the spot where I met him for the first time. He was late and I was annoyed, but when I say him I couldn’t be angry anymore. I melted. I guess that set the tone for our relationship. I could never really get mad at him. Continue reading


The Living Bardo

Certain beliefs refer to a place in the afterlife called the bardo. It is believed that after you die, you go to this place, which is kind of like a halfway house between your previous life and the next one.

I think that this is an interesting concept, whether you believe in it or not; the idea of drifting between one life and another. Personally, I think that we experience being in this state during life as well. I currently find myself in the “living” bardo. Continue reading

Gay Stuff, On a Serious Note

The Power of Goodbye

I’m such a gay cliché.

Not too long ago I wrote about being in a relationship. Well, after nearly three months, my relationship has come to an end.

I guess that I’m not “supposed” to write about this. But I’m not doing it out of spite or anger. I’m just really heartbroken and I need a way to express it.

I sensed that something was wrong in the last few weeks. He started avoiding me. He had the silliest excuses for not being able to see me. More importantly, he stopped telling me that he loved me. When he finally found the time to see me, it didn’t come as a surprise that he wanted to “take a break”.

Heartbreak didn’t come the way I thought it would. I thought that it would be a sudden, all overpowering crash that would send me into complete turmoil. Instead it was like a dam wall that slowly started cracking. In all honesty, I tried to postpone my heartbreak for as long as possible. I was performing in a very demanding show and I didn’t have the luxury of falling apart. I needed to conserve my energy as much as possible, so whenever I felt like I was becoming emotional I would start using all the techniques I was taught to overcome negative emotion during performance.

But you can’t run forever.

I finished the show on a Saturday night. I was laughing and chatting (and really glad that it was over). When I woke up on the Sunday morning the wall had burst open.

I couldn’t hide from it anymore. I went to the shops to run a few errands, but my mind had frozen. At one point I even stopped at a green light; much to the dismay of the other motorists.

This is probably a type of karma. I’ve always laughed at people who were in relationships for a short amount of time and then cried their eyes out when they ended. We live in a world that pokes fun at the broken hearted. How often do we snicker behind someone’s back because their lover left them, as if it’s funny?

Having dealt with my fair share of death, I can definitely say that this is a form of grieving. But when someone dies, they’re gone. Those are the rules. I think that’s the most painful part of a break-up. I know he’s still there. If I send a message he’ll see it. If I drive to his house I’ll find him there. He’s so close. But I can’t force him to love me. Hearing him say that he still cares for me makes it worse. Caring for someone is very far removed from loving them.

Of course I find myself wondering if he ever loved me. I believed him when he said it, but now I don’t know. I still love him, and I get mad at friends who try to say mean things about him.

It’s hard to believe that we were only together for three months. Time slowed down so much. I know that my grief won’t last forever. I will move on eventually, but it will take a while. I had my first relationship at 25 for a reason. I take relationships very seriously.

I don’t regret loving him. If anything, he showed me a side of myself that I like. I feel more confident, more attractive, and that’s because of him. He taught me things that I will remember for the rest of my life. Our time together was beautiful. I wanted it to work, but it didn’t.

It’s that simple and that complicated.


“There’s no greater power than the power of goodbye.” ~ Madonna

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My People, On a Serious Note

I Remember Her

I don’t always understand life and why things turn out the way they do…

I went for a walk today. I try to do this each day, mainly to get my head cleared and to get out of my flat. My mind is constantly swarming with thoughts, and walking time is when I give the wind a chance to blow them out of my head. I want to make it clear that I stroll. No power walking for me. Continue reading

Gay Stuff, Rambling

He Doesn’t Have To Like You

Online dating is the work of the devil.

I haven’t been blogging much, because I don’t really have anything to say. Okay, this isn’t completely true. I have about 6 blog posts that I never ended up posting or finishing because they were shit.

Anyway… Continue reading

Gay Stuff, On a Serious Note

And Then I Realized…

Remember when I told you about my 30 minute love affair? Well, this post is about the boy I spoke about at the end of that post…

There was this boy… actually, there is this boy who has been running through my mind for months. I met him online (as I do with most guys) in late 2012/early 2013. But unlike 99% of the guys I meet online, he was amazing. He was smart, articulate, creative, and breathtakingly beautiful. He was everything that I could ever ask for, the kind of guy that you would want to show off. But alas, he didn’t feel the same way about me. I realized this quite early on, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I thought that if I could just talk to him for a little longer, if I could just get him to see how great things could be if he gave me a chance, he would suddenly see me in a different light. The truth is that I did something that I had never done for any guy before: I made a fool of myself. I told him how beautiful, smart, and interesting I found him, knowing that he would never say the same things to me. I sent him messages despite the fact that he often didn’t even reply, and also despite the fact that I was always the first one to send a message.

One day last year I managed to finally meet him. He was just as beautiful in real life, and we had a great conversation. We spoke for about an hour about everything. When he left, I felt great, but underneath I knew that I probably wouldn’t see him again. Later on when I reached out to him and asked him if he would like to get to know me better, he came the closest he’s ever been to paying me a compliment. He told me that I was a very “interesting” person, but that isn’t always a good thing. In other words, he told me in a very nice way that I was actually too complicated for him. I immediately felt then, and I still believe today that he probably would have given me a chance if I had been a bit prettier or if I had a hot body. I’ve never had my heart broken, but that’s probably the closest I’ve ever been to getting it broken. His rejection was a heavy blow to me. In my profession I am accustomed to rejection. I go to many auditions, knowing that I won’t get a callback. They tell me that I look too old or too young, that I don’t have the right look, or that I’m too theatrical. This doesn’t mean that I’m a bad actor. I know that I’m talented, and I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I might not be the best that there is, but I am good enough. However, when it came to this guy I couldn’t get myself to see it that way. Because he’s right, I am complicated, and anyone thinking of going into a relationship with me will need grit on his teeth. A friend of mine told me the other day that I am difficult to love, and it’s true. I’m not always a ray of sunshine. Sometimes the world around me can get pretty dark, and my darkness scares people off. On top of this, I felt ugly. So, so ugly. The pretty ones always win. If I had been a mindless jock he might have liked me, but because I look like a normal person and I have more than two brain cells, he didn’t want me.

I was crushed.

It’s been about a good 8 months since this happened, and despite the fact that I still think about him, I’ve gotten myself to accept the fact that nothing will happen between us. In fact, if he came running to me now (which will never happen) I’ll turn him down, because I have a bit more self respect than that. But something very unusual happened today. I met a man about 13 years older than me. He is a gay hairdresser, and like most hairdressers, he is an excellent therapist. We spoke for very long and he opened my eyes to many things that I hadn’t seen before. He was the first man who ever told me that he thinks I’m beautiful and smart, and you know what? I believe him. Because he is smart enough to know that he isn’t going to get me into bed by saying these things. And just because this guy that I put on such a high pedestal above myself doesn’t think that I’m attractive, doesn’t mean that every guy feels the same way. I’m under no illusion that I’m a Greek god, but like I said about my acting, I am good enough.


I wasn’t sure about writing this post because it is so personal, but I decided to do it because I know that there are so many people out there who feel the same way, that they are not good enough because some guy or girl rejected them. But it’s not true. We also forget that every person has the right to say no, for whatever reason, and we need to respect that. I realized long ago that I can’t build my life around the acceptance of just one person. So many people spend their lives searching for that one true love that will change everything for them. Sometimes people find it, but the stark reality is that not everyone does. And you need to be prepared to deal with that. I’ve spent most of my life alone, because I’m not a pack animal. I wander alone through the woods. And yes, I am complicated and difficult to love, but I make no apologies for it, because this is who I am. And I’m sure as Hell not going to change myself for you, pretty boy.

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