I’m such a gay cliché.
Not too long ago I wrote about being in a relationship. Well, after nearly three months, my relationship has come to an end.
I guess that I’m not “supposed” to write about this. But I’m not doing it out of spite or anger. I’m just really heartbroken and I need a way to express it.
I sensed that something was wrong in the last few weeks. He started avoiding me. He had the silliest excuses for not being able to see me. More importantly, he stopped telling me that he loved me. When he finally found the time to see me, it didn’t come as a surprise that he wanted to “take a break”.
Heartbreak didn’t come the way I thought it would. I thought that it would be a sudden, all overpowering crash that would send me into complete turmoil. Instead it was like a dam wall that slowly started cracking. In all honesty, I tried to postpone my heartbreak for as long as possible. I was performing in a very demanding show and I didn’t have the luxury of falling apart. I needed to conserve my energy as much as possible, so whenever I felt like I was becoming emotional I would start using all the techniques I was taught to overcome negative emotion during performance.
But you can’t run forever.
I finished the show on a Saturday night. I was laughing and chatting (and really glad that it was over). When I woke up on the Sunday morning the wall had burst open.
I couldn’t hide from it anymore. I went to the shops to run a few errands, but my mind had frozen. At one point I even stopped at a green light; much to the dismay of the other motorists.
This is probably a type of karma. I’ve always laughed at people who were in relationships for a short amount of time and then cried their eyes out when they ended. We live in a world that pokes fun at the broken hearted. How often do we snicker behind someone’s back because their lover left them, as if it’s funny?
Having dealt with my fair share of death, I can definitely say that this is a form of grieving. But when someone dies, they’re gone. Those are the rules. I think that’s the most painful part of a break-up. I know he’s still there. If I send a message he’ll see it. If I drive to his house I’ll find him there. He’s so close. But I can’t force him to love me. Hearing him say that he still cares for me makes it worse. Caring for someone is very far removed from loving them.
Of course I find myself wondering if he ever loved me. I believed him when he said it, but now I don’t know. I still love him, and I get mad at friends who try to say mean things about him.
It’s hard to believe that we were only together for three months. Time slowed down so much. I know that my grief won’t last forever. I will move on eventually, but it will take a while. I had my first relationship at 25 for a reason. I take relationships very seriously.
I don’t regret loving him. If anything, he showed me a side of myself that I like. I feel more confident, more attractive, and that’s because of him. He taught me things that I will remember for the rest of my life. Our time together was beautiful. I wanted it to work, but it didn’t.
It’s that simple and that complicated.
“There’s no greater power than the power of goodbye.” ~ Madonna