I’ve neglected my blog. In fact, I’ve neglected many parts of my life. But I don’t even care.
Because I’ve fallen in love.
I mentioned this briefly in my previous post, and honestly I don’t really want to say all that much about it. Sacred things are secret, and I don’t want to divulge all the details of my relationship. That’s not what this is about.
It started out as a holiday romance that turned into so much more. I’ve never really seen myself as the “relationship type”, for obvious reasons. I’ve always thought that finding a lover was out of the question for me. You don’t really hear about a lot of socially anxious people who have boyfriends. I’m also not very pretty by gay standards. But somehow it happened.
It’s wonderful and terrifying all at once. Naturally I find myself over thinking every little thing, but at the same time I feel so at home that everything just seems to make sense. Except for all the other times when it doesn’t make sense. Are you following this?
We’ve been spending a lot of time together. I gather that it’s a normal thing for couples to do, not that I’m an expert in this field. Today, however, we decided to spend the day apart, to be alone for a change. Okay fine, he suggested it, but I agreed. I’m the kind of person who needs a lot of time on my own and I have no problem keeping myself busy. Right?
Today went by very slowly. I organised a few things in my flat. I went to the mall. I wrote in my journal for the first time in nearly a month. I planned on going to the cinema, but suddenly didn’t feel like doing it alone. What the fuck, Wentzel? I’m supposed to be the poster kid for going to the movies alone and keeping myself busy. Why is it so difficult now?
It’s not like we really do all that much when we’re together. We talk or eat or watch stuff on the laptop (he forces me to watch Star Wars. Send help!). Sometimes he’ll be busy working and I’ll just be in the same room reading or working. Sometimes I’ll just sit and stare at him. But this never becomes tedious. I could do it for hours. But when I’m not with him I could be doing anything and it’s just not the same.
I’m one of those people now.
What did my arms do before they held you? ~ Sylvia Plath