It’s that time of year again. I’m 25.
Wow. What a fuck up this year has been.
I mean, really now. This entire year feels like a colossal failure. Professionally. Emotionally. Romantically. It’s been a disaster. The last time I had a year this bad was in 2010 when I was hospitalised for depression the second time. This, despite the fact that both my father and my grandmother died last year.
So… what now?
The world scares me. So many terrible things have happened. I see people around me who are morose. The massacre at Orlando happened. Donald fucking Trump happened. The future looks undeniably bleak.
What does it have to do with me, you ask?
Well, I’ve always been affected by what happens to other people. I take their sadness and I wear it like a cloak. My therapists tell me that this is unhealthy. They tell me that I need to distance myself from the pain of others. I try. I’ve been getting it right here and there. But it’s a part of who I am. I would rather be the way I am before I find myself joining in the choir of apathy.
So, what have I learned?
I’ve learned that yes, it really does get worse. I don’t mean to be a downer, but it’s true. We think that we’ve reached our limit. We think that we’ve reached rock bottom. But sometimes you hit rock bottom do hard that you break through the concrete. It can get worse. It can get much, much worse. It can get so bad that you think it’s a joke.
Despite what fairytales and folklore tell us, we don’t spontaneously combust when terrible things happen to us. Very few people are lucky enough to die from a broken heart. Most of us just have to pick it up and carry on.
So, I guess I’ve learned that we as human beings are a lot more durable than we think we are. People have told me many times that I am a lot stronger than I think I am. I’m finally starting to believe them. I’m obviously made of fucking iron, because I’m still here. I don’t know how, but I am.
And so are you.
I can’t guarantee that it’ll get better. I wouldn’t dare. But somehow we’ll find a way through.
“The worst thing in the world can happen, but the next day the sun will come up. And you will eat your toast. And you will drink your tea.” ~ Rhian Ellis