Online dating is the work of the devil.
I haven’t been blogging much, because I don’t really have anything to say. Okay, this isn’t completely true. I have about 6 blog posts that I never ended up posting or finishing because they were shit.
One of those blog posts was about… surprise! A boy. I didn’t post it so much because it’s bad, but because it was too personal and embarrassing for me to share. Yes, I still have the ability to get embarrassed. However, after a few months have passed and new things have happened, I’ve decided to talk about it.
I’m going to squeeze this story into a nutshell as much as I possibly can:
A few months ago I was performing in a play at an arts festival (still haven’t given up on the acting thing). The production was experimental in nature and because of this we needed a few test audiences. Now obviously, being a serious actor and a consummate professional, boys were the last thing on my mind (mostly). I decided that I was at a point in my life when I didn’t want or need anyone. I was going to be all fierce and independent.
And then he walked through the door.
I don’t know how to explain it, suddenly all my thoughts of independence were gone. He was so, so beautiful. It wasn’t the kind of beauty that you see in a magazine or on a runway. It was the kind of beauty that leaves you speechless and you don’t know how to articulate how you feel. The best part was that he didn’t know of the beauty he possesses. He walked around thinking he was plain and boring when he was magnificent. He was shy and self-conscious… and gorgeous.
The funny part was that he wasn’t my type at all. I usually go for tall men who are older than me. He was two years younger and quite a bit shorter than me. Although it should be noted that I’m quite tall.
I wasn’t quite sure of how to handle the situation. I’m not the kind of person who just runs up to people to introduce myself to them, and I could tell that he wasn’t either. He invited me on Facebook a while before and I recognized him on Grindr (Oh, Grindr…). After watching one of his shows, I plucked up the courage to send him a message on Facebook to say that I liked it. We spoke for a few hours that night.
As time went by, we spoke on Grindr as well. I cringe to admit this, but I was completely infatuated with him. After a while, I wanted to go on a date with him. Usually the other guy asks me because I’m “the shy one”, but because we’re both shy, I decided to bite the bullet and tell him that I like him.
He was completely surprised. He didn’t expect it at all. I’m not much of a flirt, but I thought that he would have at least some kind of feeling that I liked him. However, this wasn’t the worst part…
“I just want to play open cards. I’m in a new relationship…”
I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I was prepared for him to say that he didn’t like me, but not that he recently started seeing someone.
I could tell that he felt bad. He said that we could still be friends, but I couldn’t. I’m not the kind of person who can act like this didn’t happen.
Sure enough, his relationship became “Facebook official”. I saw pictures of them together. They looked happy. I wanted them to be happy; genuinely. I wanted them to be happy.
I was mad at myself. It took me so long to get over the previous disaster and to try and be strong and confident, and suddenly this guy walks in and I just melt. I felt like Bridget Jones.
But the story doesn’t end there.
His pictures with his boyfriend became less and less and sure enough, I found him on Grindr again the other night. Of course I sent him a message.
We’ve been talking again, but I’m smarter this time around. He’s still reluctant to go out with me and says that he is busy and shy and in a difficult space emotionally. I told him that I respect that.
But I don’t think that’s the real reason.
I’ve played this game enough times to know that he most probably just doesn’t like me. At least not in the way I like him. When the attraction is mutual, it isn’t this difficult.
But you know what? There’s nothing I can do about it.
William Shakespeare already told this story when he wrote “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”. Poor Helena was “as ugly as a bear”, and she wasn’t able to woo Lysander until a spell was cast on him. Unfortunately, I don’t have any magic spells to help me out. It is what it is.
But I want to make it clear that I’m not a victim. It’s his full right to not want to go out with me, whatever his reasons may be. I’ve also rejected men. They didn’t die. I’ve been rejected before, and although I was very dramatic about it, I also didn’t die. More importantly, I still didn’t get what I wanted.
I find myself becoming obsessed with couples. I watch other people in relationships, almost waving pom-poms for them, because I want them to be happy so badly. I do this because I tell myself that if they can get it right then perhaps one day I’ll get it right too.
And I still believe that it’s possible to be happy on your own. I truly do. Your happiness should never be reliant on another person.
Although it would be nice to have someone around sometimes.