I have many flaws. I don’t have great social skills. In fact, I have social anxiety. I can be very mean, even when I don’t mean it. I could continue all day. But if there’s one thing that I’m really good at it’s being able to do things alone.
I’m always surprised by people who are scared of going to the movies or restaurants alone. Most of the time when I go to watch a show or a movie, I do it alone. I don’t think about who I’m going to do it with, I just do it. Yes, I admit that going with someone I know takes the edge off my anxiety, but that also makes me dependent on other people. And that’s one thing that I never want to be. The idea of giving someone power over me is scary. People leave, and often they leave suddenly, without warning. That’s something I’ve learned over the years. I’ve seen so many people crumble because of this. We tend to build our lives around other people, and when those people leave we collapse because we feel like we have nothing to live for.
I won’t lie, I often find myself questioning what I’m living for. What is my purpose, blah, blah, blah… I don’t always have an answer to that. But I also feel like I don’t necessarily need an answer to it. Maybe I’ll find out one day. Either way, I’m pretty sure that my purpose isn’t to constantly run around begging someone to love me. Last year I almost lost myself in someone else, and it was a wake-up call. I tried changing myself to be what he wanted, and he ended up not choosing me anyway. Boo.
I suppose that my way of dealing with life isn’t the healthiest. I spoke to my therapist about it the other day and she agrees. I keep people at an arm’s length. Although it may seem like I carry my heart on my sleeve, there is still a lot that I keep to myself. You only see the tip of the iceberg. I guess it’s because it’s all I’ve ever known. I’m an only child. I went to a small school in a small town. I was abused, and I think that’s one of the main barriers between me and other people. I can’t trust them, despite how hard I try.
Sometimes I feel lonely, and sometimes it’s very bad. But mostly I’m okay on my own.
I have to be, right?
“So laugh in your loneliness, child of the wilderness. Learn to be lonely. Life can be lived, life can be loved. Alone.” ~ Andrew Lloyd Webber