And Then I Realized…

Remember when I told you about my 30 minute love affair? Well, this post is about the boy I spoke about at the end of that post…

There was this boy… actually, there is this boy who has been running through my mind for months. I met him online (as I do with most guys) in late 2012/early 2013. But unlike 99% of the guys I meet online, he was amazing. He was smart, articulate, creative, and breathtakingly beautiful. He was everything that I could ever ask for, the kind of guy that you would want to show off. But alas, he didn’t feel the same way about me. I realized this quite early on, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I thought that if I could just talk to him for a little longer, if I could just get him to see how great things could be if he gave me a chance, he would suddenly see me in a different light. The truth is that I did something that I had never done for any guy before: I made a fool of myself. I told him how beautiful, smart, and interesting I found him, knowing that he would never say the same things to me. I sent him messages despite the fact that he often didn’t even reply, and also despite the fact that I was always the first one to send a message.

One day last year I managed to finally meet him. He was just as beautiful in real life, and we had a great conversation. We spoke for about an hour about everything. When he left, I felt great, but underneath I knew that I probably wouldn’t see him again. Later on when I reached out to him and asked him if he would like to get to know me better, he came the closest he’s ever been to paying me a compliment. He told me that I was a very “interesting” person, but that isn’t always a good thing. In other words, he told me in a very nice way that I was actually too complicated for him. I immediately felt then, and I still believe today that he probably would have given me a chance if I had been a bit prettier or if I had a hot body. I’ve never had my heart broken, but that’s probably the closest I’ve ever been to getting it broken. His rejection was a heavy blow to me. In my profession I am accustomed to rejection. I go to many auditions, knowing that I won’t get a callback. They tell me that I look too old or too young, that I don’t have the right look, or that I’m too theatrical. This doesn’t mean that I’m a bad actor. I know that I’m talented, and I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I might not be the best that there is, but I am good enough. However, when it came to this guy I couldn’t get myself to see it that way. Because he’s right, I am complicated, and anyone thinking of going into a relationship with me will need grit on his teeth. A friend of mine told me the other day that I am difficult to love, and it’s true. I’m not always a ray of sunshine. Sometimes the world around me can get pretty dark, and my darkness scares people off. On top of this, I felt ugly. So, so ugly. The pretty ones always win. If I had been a mindless jock he might have liked me, but because I look like a normal person and I have more than two brain cells, he didn’t want me.

I was crushed.

It’s been about a good 8 months since this happened, and despite the fact that I still think about him, I’ve gotten myself to accept the fact that nothing will happen between us. In fact, if he came running to me now (which will never happen) I’ll turn him down, because I have a bit more self respect than that. But something very unusual happened today. I met a man about 13 years older than me. He is a gay hairdresser, and like most hairdressers, he is an excellent therapist. We spoke for very long and he opened my eyes to many things that I hadn’t seen before. He was the first man who ever told me that he thinks I’m beautiful and smart, and you know what? I believe him. Because he is smart enough to know that he isn’t going to get me into bed by saying these things. And just because this guy that I put on such a high pedestal above myself doesn’t think that I’m attractive, doesn’t mean that every guy feels the same way. I’m under no illusion that I’m a Greek god, but like I said about my acting, I am good enough.

 

I wasn’t sure about writing this post because it is so personal, but I decided to do it because I know that there are so many people out there who feel the same way, that they are not good enough because some guy or girl rejected them. But it’s not true. We also forget that every person has the right to say no, for whatever reason, and we need to respect that. I realized long ago that I can’t build my life around the acceptance of just one person. So many people spend their lives searching for that one true love that will change everything for them. Sometimes people find it, but the stark reality is that not everyone does. And you need to be prepared to deal with that. I’ve spent most of my life alone, because I’m not a pack animal. I wander alone through the woods. And yes, I am complicated and difficult to love, but I make no apologies for it, because this is who I am. And I’m sure as Hell not going to change myself for you, pretty boy.

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