Rambling, What the Fuck?

Penis Candles: The Next Big Thing

So, this last week has just really been shitty. It just seems like suddenly a gigantic shit storm came out of nowhere and hit me. All the things that could possibly go wrong went wrong and barely a day went by that I didn’t cry. Normally I would say that I’m depressed, but I’m not. Life is just being a real bitch.

Anyway, I have one of those things that you use to keep the sun from melting the inside of your car while it is standing in the sun. I like it, because Pretoria’s sun is insane and it makes my steering wheel so hot that I can’t touch it and then start to consider walking 55km instead, because I swear it gets so hot that I’m scared that I’ll get blisters on my hands. But with the sun protector thingy I can get in my car without spontaneously combusting. Wow, that just sounded like a really fucked up infomercial. I digress…

The sun protector thingy has two of those things that suck to your window so that it doesn’t fall off. The only problem is that used to belong to my dear mother and she lost the one sucker (I don’t know what else to call it). So, I went into the mall in my area to go and look for one. I couldn’t find one. I hate asking shop assistants for help, because I hate talking to people in general. And I didn’t know how to explain that I was looking for a sucking thingy for my sun protector thingy in my car. I ended up going into a shop called Come ‘n Buy. I find the name quite peculiar, because what else would you be doing in a shop? But then again, this is South Africa, so maybe they want to make it clear that you’re supposed to buy things instead of stealing them. I went into the shop because they sell practically everything from socks to glue, so I thought that they might have a sucker thingy. They didn’t.

But they had this:

Happy birthday. Now, suck and make a wish.

Happy birthday. Now, suck and make a wish.

I was looking at all the random crap that was stacked on the shelves when the candles caught my eye. At first I thought, ‘Wow, those candles look like they are shaped penises.’ And then I realized: OH CRAP! THEY ARE PENISES!!

I immediately grabbed my cell phone and took a picture. I didn’t care if anyone was watching me. I wanted PROOF. I mean, I used to think that you only find shit like this in America, but I was wrong. I immediately started to wonder who would actually go ahead and buy this. I guess that perhaps a bunch of horny gay boys throwing a gay bash, or a bunch of straight guys throwing a stag party. Or maybe a group of women throwing a bachelorette? I don’t know, but I would like to meet those people, because it would give me some hope that perhaps there are people out there who are more fucked up than me.

I did consider buying them simply to show to my friends, but I decided that I could spend R32.00 on better things, like Coke or KFC. And besides, I still haven’t found a sucker thingy.

I just also want to say that I find it quite strange that the candles are so small. I mean, I don’t want to say anything bad about guys with small penises, but let’s face it, a big penis is just more… commanding. I mean, you wouldn’t want someone coming to your party and saying; “Oh my, look at how small the penises on his cake are!” That would just be embarrassing.

Seeing these candles reminded me of a picture that I saw before on the internet:

Yes, that is a baby coming out of a vagina.

Yes, that is a baby coming out of a vagina.

Now, imagine a vagina cake with penis candles. Penis candles that are smaller than the vagina cake. You’re welcome.


3 thoughts on “Penis Candles: The Next Big Thing

  1. Pingback: What If I Died That Night? | Life and Other Catastrophes

  2. Pingback: South African Horror Story: This Needs To Happen | Life and Other Catastrophes

  3. Pingback: Goodbye 22: What I’ve Learned | Life and Other Catastrophes

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