I’m not a pretty boy. I know that I’ve said this before, but I’m just reminding you. Not that you need reminding, because you can see it with your own two eyes.
People are always going on about how the media is putting pressure on women to look a certain way. Well, the same thing is true for men. If you’re a feminist, please don’t argue with me, because I’m feeling a little bit fragile as I’m writing this, okay? Please be nice to me. Anyway, as I was saying, men also get put under pressure to look good and no matter what people say, if you don’t have a pretty face then life is harder for you. I see this all the time in the entertainment industry. I’m trying to be an actor, remember? Yes, I know. It’s a shocker. I often find myself being compared to guys that look younger than me, despite the fact that I’m only 22. Apparently I don’t look like a bright eyed youngster and this constantly gets in the way of me playing characters that are my age. It also depresses me endlessly, because I constantly think of the song ‘22’ by Lily Allen, and the lyrics are so indicative of my possible future: “When she was 22 her future looked bright, but she’s nearly 30 now and she’s out every night.” And, of course: “It’s sad, but it’s true how society says her life is already over. There’s nothing to do and there’s nothing to say. Until the man of her dreams comes along, picks her up, and throws her over his shoulder. It seems so unlikely in this day and age.” *cries into a bucket*
I can hear you saying that I’m a very negative person, and I suppose that I am. It’s just that I don’t feel like pretending that things are all rosey when they’re actually really shitty. I guess that’s why I love Lily Allen so much, because she always says things the way that I would like to say them. In other words, she’s crass, rude, and she has a superb potty mouth.
Now, getting back to my topic: I’m really sick and tired of all these pretty boys that are ruining my life. Each time I try to approach an agent I go on the website and look at the actors that are already signed. And then I start to cry. They’re all these pin-up boys with perfect white smiles and washboard abs. Now, I don’t want to say that these boys aren’t smart and talented, like Shaun Smit from The Rocky Horror Show (yes, I know. I still haven’t gotten over the brilliance of the show). Some of them are really good, but many of them are just a nice piece of meat with the intelligence of a frog and the acting talent of a statue. I have a feeling that many people are going to hate me after this. It’s okay. Go ahead. It just makes me sad that many people don’t give me a chance. It doesn’t help that I’ve won awards for my acting or that I graduated at the top of my class, because I’m not skinny or tanned. It’s like Lily Allen says in ‘Hard Out Here’: “So you’re not a size six, and you’re not good looking. Well, you better be rich or real good at cooking. You need to lose weight, ‘cause we can’t see your bones. You’d better fix your face or you’ll end up on your own.” Ugh, Lily, you’re not helping.
But my looks aren’t only holding me back in the professional world. Gay boys looooove pretty things, and that includes pretty boyfriends. I should know, because I am one. It’s always such a struggle to get one of them to talk to me, because they’re always staring at the Ryan Gosling look alike who’s standing behind me. Once again, Lily Allen describes this perfectly in ‘The Fear’: “Life’s about film stars, and less about mothers. It’s all about fast cars and cussing each other. But it doesn’t matter, ‘cause I’m packing plastic, and that’s what makes my life so fucking fantastic.” Is Lily trying to say that I’m going to end up packing plastic one day? I can’t bear the thought. It’s like she says in ‘22’: “She’s got an alright job, but it’s not a career. Whenever she thinks about it, it brings her to tears.” It’s not that I’m saying that packing plastic is a bad thing. If you’re part of the plastic-packing community then please don’t take offence. It’s just not for me. Now I’m wondering if there’s something like a plastic-packing community. Do they get together once a year to celebrate Plastic Pride? If you have any knowledge on this matter, please let me know.
To draw a conclusion to this post that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, it’s not only hard out here for a bitch, but for some guys as well. At least I still get to write and you don’t need to be pretty to do that. The only problem is that I don’t make any money out of writing this crap. Plastic packing it is then. I take solace in this: Lily Allen is now 28 and society says that her life is far from over, because she still has hit singles and she is a married mother. And according to her song ‘L8 CMMR’ that is working out quite well for her: “Under cover, under the covers, my man is a bad motherfucker.” I’m waiting for the sex tape.
PS: I was trying to write an important blog post about self-image, but Lily Allen completely hijacked it. Why, Lily, why?